How often do you keep things to yourself, thinking that the other might not appreciate it?
Or we start thinking about their wants and needs, and try to cater the conversation around that.
For example in negotiations, giving feedback, or sharing your opinion.
Our intentions might be good. We try to do well by them. We don't want to hurt their feelings. We want to be respectful.
But really, we're afraid of the reaction when we speak up. They might get angry with you.
But how can they be angry at the truth? It is what it is. It might be a shock to them (perhaps you should have communicated sooner) and you can be respectful of that.
It's really hard to feel anger towards someone when you truly understand where (s)he's coming from.
But if the other can't be open to that, that's not your problem.
Or you're afraid that they will like you less; or think less of you.
But what is keeping up an appearance really worth to you when you can't really be yourself?
Actually, it is not saying it that is the disrespectful option here. You're keeping things from them because you think they're not equipped to handle it.
Maybe you should let them be the judge of that.
It's up to them to react like an adult. And it's up to you to do so as well.
Your main job (in such conversations) is to get clear what it is that's important to you and communicate that clearly from your own perspective. And then be kind and listen attentively to what the other wants.
All well and good of course. But it's still scary and new. And when doing new things while stressed, you might stumble. You may be overly blunt or uncontrolled in your delivery. Voicing your opinion might be so unfamiliar to you that it might be hard to even feel what's truly important to you.
You'll get better. You'll realize that people are much kinder than you give them credit for.
So next time you're in such a situation, take a first step. A step towards true understanding.
When you both start thinking of solutions from that place, you're already halfway there.
In my conversation with Melissa Marijnen, we talked about splitting up with her co-founder and how she found herself thinking for her rather than for what she wanted and needed out of this. Besides that we talked about building up confidence and becoming an expert, and about building up a company and later coming to a point she could let it go.
